Dear You #4

Dear You,

I had a great day today. It was technically my day off, but I had meeting after meeting and then work to get to because of them. And now 2 am has passed my need for sleep by.

Somehow when the day was over, which it is now, I was left with one thought. I may not have the youthful glow that I have so bemoaned the loss of in the previous (my 30th) year. Now I have it completely. I can finally live at full throttle, not as a reaction, but an expression that I am truly present in.

In learning to drive stick, more than anything, the only way you get it is when someone explains it the way you need to hear it. So many people told me how great the 30's was, but I didn't get it until now.

Wow. I can finally type without looking. It takes me a second (a word that I can type on the first try) to realize it. I only look down out of habit to see where my hands are, not to read the keys.

Well, I love you and when am I not thinking about you?

Love,

me

Dear You #3

Dear You,

While I was in New York, you came to dinner. Everyone was there, all who know me in one way, the everyday. I was talking to one girl about you. I asked if she had met you. She said, yeah at a party at my house in Austin, when she first saw you, she thought, 'who is that?' But then she found out you had a girlfriend and someone in line (her words, and that's me). I almost tried to explain to her, no, I've know him much longer than that and that isn't like that. But isn't it? I said nothing about your wife.

Tonight, I also heard the douche I've been fucking talk about the sex tapes he made with some chick last week. Then the girls asked him all about his exploits and he was saying about how he gets calls all hours of the night from women for sex. He was more brazen about bragging since we've fucked, especially having me in earshot.

But, I am carefree, as I want to be.

Holding things close to my heart protect me in many ways, but hurt me in others.

Love,

Me

Dear You #1

Dear,

You sent me something you wrote about me today. I am never sure if it's you or something you want to say via someone else's words, so I Googled a line. Your secret blog which I knew about but purposely forgot about came up. The post before mine talked about the last woman you loved and lost. You said that you live a guarded life and you don't share yourself with anyone. You couldn't take another fall like that.

I want to tell you that falling is more permanent than anything. It's not failing. And that it is no reason to close yourself. Jesus, I thought you were smart enough to know that, but I guess you have had only three great loves, all under the umbrella of your marriage and that must have colored things in a way that I don't understand. You expect permanence to the point that you rail against it. I have loved and lost so many times - to great success - despite the failure. Maybe that's how I choose to view it. But I have not given up. I do believe that two people can understand each other enough to overcome changes. So I am not broken by loss.

I will always remember when we walked in the frigid cold though the streets of Cambridge. You said you didn't know what to do next. You were naked, without a plan, without anything but the void of a future uncertain. The path was laid out for you, but it didn't make concrete sense. That's the night we fell in love, wether you know it or not.

She will always be there. All of them. You can call her, talk to her, you both will laugh. Maybe it's raining where you both are, thousands of miles away. But until you see her more as what she is and not what she means to you, you will never see her.

I have learned to let go so many times with you that I don't know I can see you any other way but far away. Maybe I'll see you on the big city streets. And if I do, time will stop, as it has so many times.

Love,

Me